Dewey, representing the plaintiff rose. “Your Honor, we call Doctor Athena to the stand.” Athena came forward slowly, showing signs of stiffness in his joints; he held his tail in his left hand and raised his right paw solemnly swearing to tell the truth. Dewey decked out in red suspenders and a new bow tie that one style reporter later insisted was battery operated with lights, approached the stand wearing a smile reserved for friendly witnesses, pretty dogs and unsuspecting prey. “Doctor, you specialize in animal deviant behavior do you not?” Athena coughed, wiped his mouth with his paw, then answered in the affirmative.
Dewey inquired, almost gently, “Do you know the defendant and if so, how?” Athena replied, “I am a specialist in dysfunctional dog behavior leading to a pattern of bites; further, I certified to provide expert testimony. Four years ago, I testified on a sensitive bite case involving him (pointing with his tail in the direction of the defendant) and an esteemed public official.” Dewey puffed out his chest, “I know the court is as impressed as I am with your sterling professional credentials but would you be more precise, specifically what kind of official was bitten?” “An honored longtime employee of the United States Canine Mail Service Corps! One of the very best in the service and he bit him! It’s a shame I tell you and outrage, it’s it’s more than that, its…” “Thank you Doctor. No more questions your Honor.”
There was audible murmuring from the audience then somebody shouted “hey that’s no crime that’s just good dog work if you ask me!” The gavel came down with a thundering noise “May I remind you that this is a Court of Law. Any further outbursts and I will have you leashed and taken from my court room tail between your legs!”
Judge Grey Hound sat back, patted his wig back into place. How many years had he been doing this, even he of sound mind could not remember. With each passing day, it was becoming more like a kangaroo court than a court of law. He was getting too old for this and these days, Millie wanting him more at home. Let the younger legal pups deal with this riffraff. Just too many years, just too many years. Looking up he noticed the court was waiting for his guidance. “Does the Defense wish to cross examine?” he asked then followed with coughing spasms. Standing at the defense table, Louie read through his notes, pausing for effect,”aah, just one question your Honor, my dear Doctor are you a licensed medical doctor and authorized to practice in this state?” Athena leaned forward and replied “I have been practicing for more years than you’ve been on all fours!” Louie bowed ever so gently. “Indeed, one can tell, quite obviously, but the question still remains…” Athena rubbed his paws together irritated, “Listen mister lawyer, don’t think you can pull any of your smart tricks on me, I have an international license from the Assembly of Four Legged Friends in Geneva, Switzerland which recognizes me as an expert in dog testimony and furthermore it is accepted in all parts of the world and most if not all states in this country!” Louie, turned to the Jury “that may be the case but apparently not in this state! No further questions your Honor.” The good doctor stood up “that was a trick question, you don’t know what your talking about, you don’t understand!” “You may step down now doctor” said Judge Hound.
Dewey rose from his chair “Your Honor, we call the defendant Max Tweeds to the stand.” A hush fell over the room finally the plaintiff’s attorney was getting to the heart of the matter and they wanted to hear every word. “Give ’em hell Dewey” barked an old dog wearing a frayed mailman’s jacket “let em know dogs can’t go around biting other decent law abiding dogs!” Judge Grey Hound barked, “Bailiff have that dog removed from my courtroom!” He wiped his nose, “I warned you this is my courtroom and won’t stand for that kind of behavior…anyone else care to say something?? Then proceed with your cross-examination Counselor.”
Dewey approached the stand, whipping a runny eye on his sleeve, did two quick turns before leaning in close to Max and asked in a low raspy voice, “Max have you ever bitten anyone before this incident?” “Of course not, what kind of dog do you think I am!” “A simple yes or no will suffice” reminded Judge Grey Hound, his deep red bloodshot eyes looking down at Max. “Then my answer is no, I have never bitten anyone before” replied Max. Dewey leaned closer opening his mouth and bearing a set of sharp yellowed teeth affixed in unhealthy grey looking gums. “Are you quite sure about that and may I remind you, kind sir, that is a court of law and you are under oath. So let me help you with your answer” Dewey went on “your Honor, I would like to introduce as State’s evidence number 5, a report from Gruff Animal Control stating they were called out on a 410 – an animal disturbance/dog biting incident. The animal question was the defendant, Max!” Dewey leered triumphantly towards Louie as if he smelled blood and was going in for the kill. Dewey slid over to the jury “has not a pattern of deviant behavior on the part of the defendant been more clearly established. He will surely repeat this behavior perhaps next time it will have deadly serious consequences…” “Objection your Honor, the question is argumentative, assumes facts not in evidence and calls for speculation.” The defendant’s motion is granted and the jury will refrain from considering Mr. Dewey’s last legal maneuver.”
Dewey grinned; it had been worth a shot. His team congratulated him with a few high-fives. It was out in the open that’s all Dewey cared about. He worked the courtroom like a cheap suit at a carny, whipping the courtroom to a frenzy. At that he was quite skilled even Louie would agree. But he was also one of those dogs that made you want to wash immediately after shaking their paws. One never knew where that paw had been!
Back at the witness stand, Max mumbled something inaudible which made Dewey put his face even closer, spittle flew in the air “I’m sorry would you repeat that louder so the court can hear” he said in a half mocking tone. Max cleared his throat “OK your Honor I was involved in a biting incident a long time ago, I was a young pup I smelled some questionable mail being delivered and did not want it in my house. I’ve changed now, I’ve paid my debt to society, I’m a better dog now.” “No further questions your Honor” Dewey oiled his way back to the table.
Louie walked forward cleaning his glasses very carefully and asked “would you tell the court your profession please?” Max cleared is throat and replied “why yes, I assist dogs with failing eyesight and weak hips.” “And is that all?” continued Louie, “no, I assist my Minister with the Sunday service and in the afternoons I’m a Big Dog to three young dogs on the other side of town; and on Christmas Eve, I help wrap presents for needy dogs.” Louie chuckled looking at the jury, “yes I can see where you might be a serious threat to society! No further questions at this time your Honor.”
The Defense team then called Missy La Rue! A hush fell over the courtroom as the guards pulled opened the courtroom doors and in that very moment Missy made her entrance as if it were finally her Oscar moment. She had taken great pains to achieve a total pink look as counseled by her team of trial experts. Everything was pink from her little pillbox hat with a veil barely covering her graying nose to stratospherically high heeled pink shoes. Careful research had shown that given the makeup of the jury, the time of day, the average temperature in courtrooms, that pink was a positive “feel good” color and would work to her advantage. Missy teeter-tottered over to the witness stand leaving behind a trail of sickly sweet smelling perfume – clearly drug store quality perfume. As she proceeded down the aisle, witnesses later recalled that some pulled out their handkerchiefs and covered their nose and mouths from the toxic fumes. As if she were a contestant in a beauty pageant, but without her Miss Poodle sash, Missy walked past the the jury box and smiled then over to the judge who had by now affixed his glasses to get a closer look at this most curious sight. After much turning and sitting then standing again, Missy finally settled herself in the witness chair. She opened her large purse and withdrew a mirror and proceeded to adjust a wandering wisp of hair then applied a sure swipe of pink lipstick. The courtroom audience, for once was quiet, more than one tongue was on the floor and more than a few ribcages received sharp elbows. At that very moment, time stood still; you could have heard a pin drop, it was later recalled.
Maitre Louie approached the stand carefully studying his notes; looking up, “I want to thank you for making a special effort to be here given the morning hour.” Missy nodded her thanks, patting her hair oblivious of the dripping sarcasm that had begun to accumulate. “Madam, in my hand I hold the medical records, the doctor’s evaluation and report from that fateful day. Evidence which will be introduced and all pertaining to the particular event which you blame my client for having left you so deeply traumatized” Opening the report, Louie read: “I reviewed the subject over a period of three days finding no evidence linking the subjects psychological trauma with her recent events. Subject appears to have suffered neck trauma most likely the result of repeated pulling and yanking on her pink leash and collar. It entirely plausible that subject’s neck trauma was cause by a human rather than any dog or other animal.” At that moment Missy dove into her over-sized bag and retrieved a comb and nervously combed her pink locks over and over again. “No further questions your Honor.” “Cross examination Mr. Dewey?”
Dewey slowly approached Missy, she looked good and he was careful to keep his tongue off the floor. Missy blushed noticeably as Dewey circled in front of her, not once but twice! “My dear, I mean Madam, this has been a long dreadful ordeal for you and I’m sure the court realizes this fact. Madam, if you have the strength, please, for the sake of the jury, tell us as best you can the awful series of events which left you emotionally traumatized.” Missy was ready for this question; she had gone over it more than once with Dewey- definitely her type. She carefully took out her chewing gum and placed it in a piece of paper then handed it to the Bailiff. “Well I guess you could say I was just minding my business you know what I mean? I had a new outfit on and wore my pink pageant bow that has a special meaning for me. Anyways, coming in my direction is this filthy creature, beastly and unkempt with hair in knots everywhere! Between you and me, I thought I smelled wine on his breadth, in the morning! He was pathetic I mean I’m a cosmetologist by training as you surely tell, this hairstyle don’t come cheap let me tell you. Anyways, like I said I could smell him coming right towards me and I guess it’s just a girl’s instinct, self preservation or something you know what I mean? I told him to back off the sidewalk. If I had my nail file I most surely would have used it. He was monstrous, leering at me with all his saliva everywhere! He was low to the ground, his ears dragging in the mud. In fact, two days ago I saw him leering at me then he peed right where I always go! Sadly, I can’t ever go back to that spot again. I think that says everything about that awful man don’t you mister prosecutor sir?”
It was that last comment, it was all but impossible for the courtroom audience not to break out snickering, a few sidelong glances and some knowing winks later Judge Grey Hound pounded the gavel. One court reporter later recalled that the judge most surely had a smile on his face.